Outside Lands, Why I Don't Eat Domino's and Other Funny Stuff.

Ahhh it's Spring time In San Francisco. That can only mean awesome weather, longer days spent at the beach and/or park depending on your personal preference and of course, summer festival announcements!!

One of my new favorites is Outside Lands in the park. If you consider yourself a live music enthusiast, you need to be here in August. That said, tickets aren't cheap so I am starting a charitable fund to get me there. If you would like to make a contribution to the "Charitable Fund To Get Jesse into Outside Lands," please leave any contact information and I'll be in touch.

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In other news, Here is a great example of why you should NEVER eat Domino's Pizza and no, I don't care how $#@!-ed up and hungry you are.



Domino's has since put this statement out on YouTube.



So what is the moral of the story? Don't eat Domino's and more importantly, don't mess with the hard working indentured servants of the food industry.

NyQuil and Those Damn Dirty Apes.

This little short was actually the result of having a few too many NyQuil tablets and crashing on my bed for a while. For those of you who have never experienced a drug induced slumber, then you should know that the images that manifest are not exactly your Mr. Rogers type of material.

So yes, I had a dream in which my Barrack Obama action figure talked to me. What, you haven't?

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In a completely unrelated matter, I've decided that teachers should no longer be taking all of the blame for our failing educational system. The reality is that high school councilors are the ones who should be getting the harsher criticism.

Now I'm sorry if you are a councilor, if you want to be a councilor when you grow up,or if you're sleeping with a councilor but I've been reviewing scholarship applications for high school graduates and these kids are stuck with advising that is comparable to a monkey with a typewriter.



Moral of the story: Don't take advice from a 35 year old who still goes to a high school every day.

Links for Monday 03-30-09

To get drunk fan kicked out, text 513-381-JERK

Baseball park to offer 4,800-calorie burgers

Diners can 'have a ball' at testicle festival

The plant that twitters when it's thirsty

March Madness

March is always a very special time for me. The seasons start to change, there's a holiday dedicated to alcohol poisoning and a little thing called The Big Dance grabs hold of all of us.

I'm talking of course about the NCAA Basketball Tournament with all of its splendor and glory. The college playoffs series is a big deal to many people for a variety of reasons. Some love to watch the slew of games that are played virtually non-stop all day long, while some like the fast pace of the games and how insanely close they can become.

Then there are guys like me who love nothing more than to pick a winning team over a friend's and then jam your victory drown their throats.

Click here for a bracket you can use to follow along. Remember, if you have no earthly idea how any of this works just ask someone about it and make a friend.

And I'm Only a Week Behind

Time for a fun little game I like to play called "Good News, Bad News."

Good News: Last Monday's show from the 16th is now online. Yay!

Bad News (For You): I'm off this week on a nice little vaca in LA so no show and no angry ranting.

But hey, all you have to do is think of the new podcast as this week's show and we'll fake it. It will be okay, I promise.

Have a good week everybody. If something truly epic happens, I'll be sure to keep you in the know.

The Monday Show but Not Really.

I'm a busy guy. I record my show live on KSFS every Monday at 2 p.m. and then I go to work, then bed, then class all night and you get the idea.

So it is now Wednesday night, nowhere near St. Patrick's Day anymore which makes my podcast very old. It'll be even older now that the service I've ben using to upload my content is down. Oh well, I still have the highlights from Monday's show for your reading enjoyment.

A lawsuit was filed against Apple Inc last week after an iPod Touch allegedly exploded in a middle-schooler's pants pocket. This makes the total number of complaints filed against the company....Well more than Gandhi would have gotten, but less than AIG is sure to get in the coming days.

And I thought my days in Jr. High stunk.

Yeah, getting teased and embarrassing yourself, sure that goes with the territory. But to spontaneously catch ablaze in the middle of class and have your friend strip you out of your now very much on fire pants in the boys bathroom, well that's just something you can't exactly smooth out.

For more fun stuff including Microsoft's bridge to nowhere or the new spy blimp you might be paying for, be sure to check out my podcast...

...You know, when its working and everything.

The Battle of the Crazies: Illinois Vs. Georgia

I had a lot of free time over the weekend thanks to my ass getting furloughed from work. The time off wasn't all bad though. I did get to have some fun and sure enough, found some really crazy people out there.

Harry Jackson broke out of a Georgia jailhouse on Saturday. Not to worry though, the fugitive was apprehended just hours later when we was caught breaking back into the prison.

Yeah, that's right. He made it out of the slammer and then got busted for sneaking back in to a guarded jailhouse. Upon his return, the sheriff's office said they found 14 packs of cigarettes on the guy. As best as anyone can figure, the story goes like this:

Man goes to jail. Man finds way out of jail. Man proceeds to go down the block to a liquor store where he then beats the crap out of the shopkeeper, steals as many smokes as he can carry, and then lets himself back into the jailhouse.

Are you fucking kidding me?

It has to say a lot about these economic times when a guy breaks into jail just so he can have a shelter, running water and a meal every day. As it is, I'm dangerously close to getting a ski mask, a water pistol and knocking off a bank if Comcast raises their rates any higher!

Now Georgia isn't the only state in the country that is housing some nut-jobs. Actually to Georgia's credit, there are other places that contain nothing but those who refuse to accept logic as their lord and savior.

For anyone into crazy-ass planetary news, you are probably aware that Pluto is no longer a planet. Around 1996, a bunch of guys who are much smarter than I am got together, looked up at the stars and said, "You know something, Pluto is being a little shit."

Now for a simple and rather entertaining explanation of their decision , Neil DeGrasse Tyson was on The Daily Show recently to explain why your 5th grade science teacher lied to you.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Neil deGrasse Tyson

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Economic Crisis

So yes, our beloved Pluto was a planet and then became a planet no more.

Unless you live in Illinois.

Funny story. It turns out that Pluto was discovered by Clyde Tombaugh and good old Clyde was born in, you guessed it, the great state of Illinois.

Now the sovereign state is waving a giant middle finger to the rest of the world and is reinstating Pluto as a full-blown planet on March 13, making it "Pluto Day" in Illinois.

Personally, I never caught the appeal to Pluto. It was a giant rock spinning round in the solar system and was something we had no intention f colonizing, drilling, or blowing up. Yet somehow this mob rose up in a fury over Pluto being classified as a dwarf or a little planet. (I never know what these things like to be called these days.)

These same scientists are now saying that there's a good chance of life on other planets outside of our solar system. Well between homesick convicts, seriously bored state politicians, and reality T.V. fans, is it any wonder they haven't made contact with us yet?

I'm a $#@!ing Genious: Or, Why I Don't Have a New Podcast.

To the masses,

Due to a technical malfunction (read: I forgot to push a stupid button) I don't have a new podcast on my website. Don't worry though, I'm already hard at work on the next one which will hopefully be up here by Monday night. That's the 16th for everyone playing along at home.

If there is something you want me to mention, speak for, dedicate, or yell around about, leave a comment and I'll do what I can.

Originally I was going to post some cool stuff relating to my show....But there's no show.

So here's a dog riding a skateboard, enjoy.

Take that Amazon!

From BoingBoing.net

This was the scene after a used book supplier for amazon.co.uk lost its lease. After realizing that no one was bailing them out, the organization said $#@! it and opened its doors for book lovers, looters, and the one guy in England who has perfect teeth. This is exactly why Amazon is competitive with actual bookstores...They don't have to pay anyone to clean up a mess like that!

In case you were wondering, that is exactly what a Barnes & Noble or a Borders looks like at the end of the night after all the customers have come and gone.

So please don't leave your books underneath the leather chair in the corner. We will find you.

The Monday Show Podcast: Now Online!

After weeks of planning, formatting, and meddling, The Monday Show Podcast is now streaming right here on this blog!

To listen, just push play.

While you're at it, be sure to follow the link on my sidebar to listen to all of the fine programing found on KSFS, free for all.

Enjoy.

The Weird

I'll admit it: I'm a terrible nerd.

I don't play World of Warcraft nor do I know how to speak Klingon. I don't know any computer programing code and I wouldn't know how to hack my way out of a paper bag. In fact I am so bad at being a nerd, I just now downloaded Google Earth. I know, I know, there is no excuse for that kind of behavior.

Now for those of you who don't already have this little piece of search-engine goodness, I strongly urge you to start screwing around with it right now because it really is a tremendous amount of fun. Think of it as a free globe you download and then interact with in an kind of dimension you want.

The really cool part is that Google has pretty much mapped out everything you can think of. Yeah sure the 3D viewer is crazy fun and dropping in on random locations is cheaper than a vacation, but then you start to find some really wacky shit like this.

Sky News

That was found off the West coast of Africa last week. You can imagine that a lot of people were scratching their heads on that one and sure enough posts started to pop-up claiming that this series of lines is, in fact, the lost city of Atlantis.

Yes, Atlantis, the city of myth, legend, mermaids, and probably where all my fucking socks keep going.

Of course Google being the corporate dream killers that they are (Thank you Google for hosting my blog) put out a statement saying that its merely a glitch from the data collection process and that there really isn't anything there. They then added, "So stop asking so many damn questions and go back to arguing if Greedo shot first you crazy nerds!"

Personally I don't buy it. If its not a lost city then it has to be something else. I've got my bet on Google building an underwater theme park for anyone in the world who still has money in the bank....or anyone who still has a bank for that matter.. Its either that or they are constructing Dick Cheney's fortress of solitude. I'll let you be the judge.

For the People Who Came Here Looking for My Podcast (Hi Mom)

A Few Things:

I have a radio show on KSFS, State Radio.

You can listen live every Monday at 2pm. In fact you should be listening to KSFS all the time. Its nice not having any commercials and we really are a talented bunch of crazies if I do say so myself.

Yes, I will be posting the Podcast on this very blog...Its just not here yet so stop looking.

Once I'm good and legal, the podcast and the blog will be up and brand new every week*

Thanks for the support and the patience.







*Content may not be new every week due to severe weather conditions, technical difficulties or if I just forget to.

The Stupid

I'm sure this is old news by now, but I'm still having a chuckle about it...And you know what, I don’t get to the blog too often so deal with it.

Facebook, the social web phenomenon that I am convince is filled with nothing but spam, bad news, and ex girlfriends, recently changed their terms of service. (Also known as TOS for people who have a sick obsession with acronyms.) The story goes that no one seemed to care at first until it was discovered in the fine print that Facebook got the rights to any public content you posted after you deleted your account.

Now if you are like me--well then you don’t have a Facebook account so who the hell cares? Well it turns out everyone who is on Facebook cares a great deal as many have threatened to completely boycott the gossip machine all together.
"Hey Jesse, this is a blog. Shouldn't you be linking me to the Terms of Service so I can read it for myself?"

Well I'd love to, faithful reader, except that Facebook caved just a few days after the uproar and changed their TOS back to exactly the way it was. Sorry, no link for you right now.

So in short: Kudos to Facebook for raising an entire legion of “web enthusiasts” and then watching as that legion rises against you. I’m just waiting for the web 2.0 coupe de tat!

The First Rant

Last Tuesday was Groundhog Day, yes we still celebrate Groundhog Day. So last Friday, a good 3 days after that little bugger said we would have 6 more weeks of winter, it occurred to me that I know next to nothing about this whole process. We all remember what we learn in the 2nd grade. There’s a crazy smart woodchuck thing named Phil that comes out of hibernation on February 2nd. If the letter gerbil seas his shadow its sunny outside. It turns out that Phil isn’t keen on sunlight, much like my old roommate, and therefore crawls back into his hole and we say that he “predicts” 6 more weeks of winter. Now already a few thongs are crossing my mind. For starters we, as a community, decided that there is no such things as witches, that god isn’t responsible for creating fire and that most Major league ball players do in fact use drugs. (More on that later) We have figured all of this out and yet we still believe that a rodent who spends most of his life underground, away from the crazies, can predict the future? Well here’s my take. Phil isn’t crawling back into his borough when he sees the sun. He’s hung-over. That’s right Phil gets Ill. Think about it he’s in a borough not far underground, he’s got t be drinking the same cool aid that the residents of Punxsutawney are and I can only assume that I need to be drinking whatever that guy is having! Now I’m willing to give up on my slamming of this innocent creature and the good hearted residents of this town if someone can please answer me one simple question. We’ve been celebrating Groundhog day since 1886 or something ridiculous and have obviously gone through more than one groundhog. All I want to know is how they pick a groundhog, the groundhog for the masses. The Arch Groundhog f you will. I want to know if there’s a breading plan going on, is it all in the same family or is there some sort of secret vetting process that I don’t know about. If you the listener have any idea or if you just want to share your ideas and thoughts, give me a call during a music break or shoot me an email and I’ll get your word on the air. If you want to learn more about groundhog day, be sure to check out www.groundhog.org and no I’m not making that up
All right I’ll give Phil a break for right now because I have to take a break right now. I’m not done ripping on what adults teach children though. Stick around after I play some music and hear all about Elmo’s 3rd Birthday coming up later this month. That’s right, he's only 3 years old. You’re listening to The Monday Sow on KSFS. Free For All.
Welcome Back to The Monday Show. So before the music break we were all having a laugh at Phil the groundhog. Now if you thought groundhog day was a hard sell to a 1st grader try this one on for size. Elmo, everyone’s favorite Sesame Street Muppet with a speech impediment, is reportedly having his 3rd birthday this month on the 21st. 3 years old! Now you can ask anyone around campus and they’ll tell you…well they’ll probably wonder who the hell you are talking about. But ask anyone who knows me personally and they’ll tell you I am not the best when it comes to math. Still though, I’ve been watch Elmo on Sesame Street since I was three and I’m pretty sure he's a lot older than that. So kudos to PBS for recognizing a cherished icons birthday, for reminding adults that Sesame Street is still in production and for confusing the bajesus out of a bunch of pre-scholars who were just starting to get that whole numbers thing down. More fun with numbers in a few minutes you’re listening to the Monday Show on KSFS.
Speaking of being great with numbers, how about these politicians who are “forgetting” to file taxes? Are these guys for real? Do they think we actually buy this? If you’ve been following the national news at all then you’ve probably heard of the handful of Obama Cabinet picks that have had to drop out due to gross financial negligence (read: they tried to screw you over, and they got) Think about it, the only reason we are hearing about any of these numb skulls is because they were vetted like crazy by every government and news agency you can think of. Now if you have a lot of money and you are going to try to play some dirty pool that’s fine, but don’t come out onto national TV and tell me you made an error. An error is when you get charged twice for something at the grocery store or when you fail a sobriety test because you thought there were only 22 letters in the alphabet. Failing to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars and calling it an error is like getting hammered flying a plane, nose-diving it into someone’s house and saying my bad. I guess the strangest thing of all is the lack of tax advice these guys are getting. With all that money and power you would think they can get to their neighborhood H&R block for 5 minutes and fill out a 1040?! Hey senators, you’re out of a job and I’ve got people, what up.